Don’t Look For New Friends Until You Do This

It's common to start with trying to find people and then work on how to build relationships, but I like to reverse that process.
Don't Look For New Friends Until You Do This

Start a different way

My thought for today is on trying to find friends and getting better at relationships. It’s extremely common for people to start with trying to figure out how to find people and then, when you found a potential friend, to work on how to build relationships and how to deal with expectations, or triggering moments, and other stuff that comes up. 

Which means that if you do encounter people you might actually like, you’re not going to be presenting an authentic version of you.

But I’d like to reverse that process, to work with the limiting beliefs, the expectations and the other inner stuff first, and then there will be less resistance to doing what it takes to find people. So, when you do find someone, you’re not trying to figure it all out in the moment while you’re trying to build this relationship. Does that make sense? 

For example, you might think that joining a club will be a good way to get yourself to be more social, but when you’re there you’re going to be fighting with yourself the whole time. Which means that if you do encounter people you might actually like, and would like to be around, you’re not going to be presenting an authentic version of you. It’s going to be either a scared version of you, a resistant version of you, or a master version of you. 

If they do want to hang out with you more, great. But it’s not really with you. It’s with one of those characters, and if you start unmasking, start getting less afraid, then they’ll be like “Who is this person? I thought that they were someone else and now they’re not.” And they have to get used to this new person. 

Working Through It

But if you work through your interference first, and the old hurts, you still might be a little bit nervous going out there, you still might be a little scared, might be masking a little bit, but that won’t be the main driver of your interaction. There still might be a little resistance, but you can be like, “Okay, I noticed that and I have ways to calm myself down.” It’s not the main driver of how you’re being with people. 

You still might be a little scared, might be masking a little bit, but that won’t be the main driver of your interaction.

Again, there might be a little visual masking going on, but that’s not the main version of you that they see. If they actually like you, great! They like you and that might develop into a further relationship, a longer term friendship, or whatever kind of relationship you’re looking for. But if they don’t like you, well… that sucks, but at least they’re rejecting the real you. Which sounds like that would be worse but often the truth, even when it hurts, is better than a lie. Rejecting a false version of you often feels worse. 

So if you work on some of that inner stuff first, and then, when you’re feeling ready (genuinely ready, you might still be a little bit nervous, but it’ll be like “okay, I’m ready to face that”), It’ll be so much easier to put yourself out there, and it’ll go so much better when you do. 

Okay, those are my thoughts on this for right now. How is this landing for you? Hope you’re finding something in this helpful, and I hope that you have a neurowonderful day.

Want articles like this delivered to you?

We don’t spam or sell. Promise. Unsubscribe at any time.
Read our privacy policy here.​

Read more:

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Heather Cook

Heather Cook

Hi, I’m Heather. I’m an Autistic writer, advocate, and life coach, and I'm building a life I love. I help other Autistics to build their own autism-positive life. I love reading, jigsaw puzzles, just about every -ology, and Star Trek!

Table of Contents

Want more?

Get my newsletter (about twice a month) on creating your autism-positive life:

I don’t spam or sell.
Unsubscribe anytime.

Skip to content