Here are some indications that we are likely to be a good fit.
Not all of these need to apply to you, but if you feel comfortable reading this, and are like, “yes! this is my kind of people,” this is more likely to be a good experience for both of us.
You’ve figured out, probably in adulthood, that you are Autistic or AuDHD, not weird or broken or fundamentally flawed—though you’ve probably believed those lies for most of your life.
You’ve done enough processing and reflecting that you have a fairly good idea of some things you want to make better in your life, though you don’t know how to actually get there. (That’s where I come in.)
Burnout. Duh.
You’re not in the deep depths of burnout right now (where doing anything at all, even getting out of bed, feels impossible), but burnout might be significantly affecting your life, and you can’t stand the thought of going through this again and again. Something’s gotta change.
People.
Relationships are hard. Friends, family, partners. You’ve probably been loosing some of your community during the autism revelation process, and have been noticing patterns in your communication and reactions to situations that keep getting you into trouble. Or you notice toxic behaviors in others you want to get away from and to stop blaming yourself for.
Masking.
You’re more aware of it now than ever, and want to be more authentically yourself, but when you do, you get bad reactions and it feels like that’s just confirmation that you were right to mask in the first place, and there’s no other option. Or you’ve been working on unmasking, but aren’t sure what’s you and what’s the mask.
There are other things.
Here are a few other things you’ve probably been noticing—how sensory stuff has gotten way more intense, how everything is more annoying now, how you’re noticing ableism everywhere, getting accommodations at work is stressing you out, and when you’re stressed, you tend to get stuck in all-or-nothing thinking. There are some things you want to work out with your partner or family, and it’s not going as well as you had hoped. Also, you’re triggered by so many things, and tend to respond intensely, your demand avoidance is more intense, as is your rejection sensitivity, and your circle of safe people is shrinking, so and you’re feeling even more lonely, etc.
If you’re like me, you’re deeply concerned about what’s becoming of the world.
The systems that train us to mask, that discriminate against disabled and queer folk and neurodivergent humans and people of color and immigrants and other minorities.
The education systems that are heavily biased towards a very narrow view of teaching and learning and testing. The classroom environments that assault the senses.
The work places that incentivize damaging behaviors.
The productivity culture that reduces a human’s worth to their economic output.
The damaging perspective that the Earth and nature and animals and humans are resources to be extracted from, endlessly, without consequence.
The prevalence of hate and bigotry and the self-righteous justification of the haters and bigots as “in the right.”
The lie of the “trickle down economy,” that justifies the people on top taking more and more from the people on the bottom.
The lack of acknowledgment that what you do affects others, that we are all tied together in a web of life and breath and existence.
You’ve been a contrarian most of your life, and the black sheep (or rainbow sheep) of your family that others don’t get.
You learned early on that popular doesn’t mean right, and you’re wary of groupthink and fundamentalism—though you’ve also fallen into it a few times yourself.
As you’ve gotten older, you’ve gotten better at discerning what’s true and what’s not. But you may have also gotten more cynical.
You’ve changed your mind on important issues more than once.
You struggle with how to balance individual rights with collective well-being, and you haven’t found easy answers for that.
Actually, you’re coming to realize there are no easy answers for most of the troubles of our times.
And that most of the problems in this world are the result of personal, group, and intergenerational traumas—so that’s where the healing needs to start, as daunting as that is.
You think like a scientist, even if you aren’t one by profession.
You like to know the why of things, and aren’t satisfied with surface level answers that are full of exceptions and generalizations.
You tend to philosophize, go deep, and question the meaning of things.
Sometimes you end up getting paralyzed by wanting to find the best choice, decision, or even a career that will really make a difference, so much so that you don’t do anything.
You’re deeply self-reflective, and are curious about yourself and willing to question your own thinking.
And you might question the meaning of your life, the purpose of doing the same repetitive things day in and day out (like eating or laundry), the point of procreation or continuing as a species, or even the purpose of existence itself—not in a suicidal or nihilistic way, but in a “trying to understand things that are normally unquestioned” way.
You also want to understand how things work, and don’t trust someone who just says that it will work; you want evidence that shows how that will happen. Because you’ve gotten into things, plenty of times, that haven’t actually worked for you, so you want to be careful.
Autism. Or ADHD. After figuring out you’re Autistic, or ADHD, then AuDHD, that probably became a special interest and was all you could talk about for a while (still?).
Apart from that…talk nerdy to me!
You know a lot of things about a lot of things, and can expound on them whenever prompted (and sometimes when not).
You can go on and on for hours about science, how things work, and the connections between topics that other people often don’t notice.
You’re fascinated by history, especially the parts that don’t make it into the textbooks—the hidden and marginalized stories. You want to understand how we ended up living the way we do now.
You have long harbored a fantasy of moving to a cabin in the middle of the woods in the middle of nowhere (or some other version of getting away from it all).
You may have thought about trying it (or actually tried it) via van life, or a tiny house, or living on a boat, or something like that.
Your ideal vacation is to get away from people for an extended period of time. Preferably in a natural setting, but one in which you can get a great view from a window, without having to interact when your senses are feeling sensitive.
You also would love to get back to a simpler way of living—even if your actual life doesn’t show many signs of that in practice. You’d like to reduce the toxins in your home and food, occasionally learn something about ancestral skills, or support indigenous practices. And maybe you have sporadically made moves toward simplifying your life, when you had the capacity.
If you could find (or create) work that could support you and not destroy your soul, or burn you out over and over, that actually felt like it made a positive difference in the world, that would be the dream job.
Ultimately, you want to look back at the end of your life and be satisfied with a life well lived.
You turn on an episode of Star Trek for comfort. (Especially TNG, DS9, VOY, TOS, or ENT).
Captain Jean-Luc Picard was a mentor, and Mr. Spock and Data were role models.
You could binge watch TED Talks.
You love a good narrative non-fiction dive into some deep topic, especially if it relates to your current special interest, or is the tale of a scientific discovery.
You might also have fiction books on your shelf by Terry Pratchett, Ann Leckie, N. K. Jemisin, Leigh Bardugo, Jean Auel, Patricia C. Wayde, Ursula K. Le Guin, Becky Chambers, or Jordan Ifueko. Or really, any fantasy or sci-fi that features neurodivergent-coded characters and/or system-toppling strong women and gender non-conforming folk.
You’re more likely to have had serial special interests than to fit the stereotype of the autistic kid that latched onto one topic and won’t talk about anything else for the rest of his life.
You have an artistic or creative or musical streak.
Maybe you have issues around always needing to do things well, or be good at something, that sometimes prevents you from learning skills or crafts, but this bothers you because you want to try some new crafts or art or music, and intellectually you understand that it will take practice, and that most people won’t judge your early attempts, but it is still an old wound.
But when you’re in the right mood, you like trying new things.
You’re inspired by the works of people like Martha Beck, Devon Price, Nick Walker, Thomas Hübl, Gabor Maté, Don Miguel Ruiz, Byron Katie, Bessel van der Kolk, Richard Schwartz, Elaine Aron, Alfie Kohn, or Faith Harper.
You’ve tried to find work that feels like it matters, that makes a difference in the world, even if you don’t always manage to find companies and organizations who treated their employees in that way.
My clients tend to be software engineers, scientists, physicians and veterinarians, teachers and academics, business owners, activists, artists, authors, musicians and composers, therapists and coaches—people who have intuitively leveraged their different way of thinking to be an asset.
Or you may have cared so little about status and hierarchy that you have opted out of the workforce, temporarily or long term, or opted for non-traditional work, or low-status jobs, that afford you more control over your environment or don’t burn you out. And that self-preservation is more important to you than meeting social expectations. But it doesn’t mean you don’t care about making a difference.
Or you are disabled and contribute by making conscious choices with your money, whether it comes from the government or family support.
Or you own your own business because the thought of working in an office, for someone else, dependent on a system you deeply mistrust, makes you shut down. This way you can take care of yourself and provide something of value to your clients or customers. It’s making a difference for your little corner of the world.
You are passionate about neurodiversity affirmation, anti-racism, disability rights, the environment, LGBTQIA+ rights, gender affirmation, trans rights, immigrant rights, animal rights, healthcare as a human right, universal basic income, housing first policies, prison abolition, personal sovereignty, and climate justice.
You want to dismantle the ABA industrial complex, capitalism, productivity culture, white supremacy, the oppression of indigenous cultures, ableism, fat phobia, and MAGA.
In general, you care about seeing the humanity in all people and treating people as valuable. And you care about treating all other creatures and the Earth as partners in this ecosystem we all share.
You may have strong opinions on this, but you’re probably not a fundamentalist of any variety.
You may have explored a variety of religions or spiritual paths over the course of your life, or identified as agnostic or atheist at times (or currently).
Whatever your current spiritual or religious leaning (or lack thereof), you probably feel deep down that there is something beautiful that ties together this web of existence.
You don’t want anyone telling you what to do with your life. (Except when you wish someone would just give you the manual of life, but let’s be honest, you would first be relieved and then resent it.)
You won’t have anything to do with ABA, compliance training, or anyone who infantilizes you or belittles or dismisses your autism.
Pity.
Someone trying to convince you of their political or spiritual beliefs. (Don’t worry, I won’t. There’s no reason for me to ever bring these up in coaching, and I wouldn’t proselytize anyway. But you’re welcome to bring them up if those are the things you’re dealing with in your life.)
Disrespecting your identity, in all its wonderful complexity.
I get it. It’s OK to take a while getting comfortable with me.
Or not.
In the meantime, take a look around.
Take a look at the selection of eBooks and DIY courses on targeted topics, that you can use at your own pace, as your energy allows.
Learn more about coaching with me, and then schedule a Clarity Session to meet and do a final check if we’re a good fit.
