I’m Highly Sensitive; I’m Not Making It Up

This was originally published by Heather Cook on The Mighty website, and was describing what happened when I moved into my current house.

Moving to a new house

There’s this thing that happens because I’m highly sensitive in a culture that doesn’t know how to deal with sensitivity and sensory differences. Throughout my life, I have been blamed, ignored, minimized, and even ridiculed for feeling things that others do not.

That’s bad enough, but it’s not the worst part. Over the years, I’ve been told so often that I’m overreacting, that a part of me defaults to assuming that’s true, no matter what. Here’s how it flared up recently in a big way.

My family moved into a new house, and like so often happens, there were a few surprises. The biggest was that I’m apparently allergic to something in the carpets. We knew before moving in that the last owners had pets, but I’m not normally allergic to animals and was not prepared for how much it would affect both of us.

Within a few hours of starting to move our stuff in, I was coughing and sneezing and could barely breathe. I spent the first several days doing every errand imaginable to get out of the house. I’m usually the one finding excuses to not leave the house.

We got the carpets cleaned immediately, which actually made things worse for a few days, because whatever I was reacting to was wet. Then we were both miserable. Long story short, we decided to replace all the carpet throughout the house.

I’m Making This Up, Right?

Here’s the thing. I keep thinking that I’m making this up. Inventing a problem where none exists. Or at least blowing it out of proportion. A suspiciously-parental voice in my head keeps reminding me that we visited the house four times before buying it, and although we could smell something, neither of us had a major reaction. So I must be exaggerating what’s going on now. Right?

Also, I don’t love the carpets, and we had talked about replacing them in a couple of years, so am I manifesting symptoms to push us into a major purchase far sooner than we were planning?

We did try simple fixes first; air purifiers, essential oils, and opening windows. Those have all helped, and it is easier to breathe now, so are we seriously overreacting? Are air purifiers enough? Do we not actually need to rip out our flooring?

Or rather is my body spewing the stress of the giant major purchase of buying a house, and my mind latched onto carpets as a likely scapegoat? Will we spend all this money on flooring and it won’t make any difference?

Plus, a few workmen have been in the house and they haven’t seemed to have any issues. So am I just imagining that this is a problem?

I keep wondering.

Because both of us are highly sensitive people, and I’m autistic, which comes with a bonus pack of extra sensory differences, and we’ve both been told throughout our lives, when we reacted to something that others didn’t, that we were making it up. Exaggerating. Blowing it out of proportion. That we were just imagining it.

No, It’s Not Just Me

I’ve spent the last several years exploring my sensory differences and coming to the realization that they are real, that when I experience something, it is a genuine physical experience and not just in my head. And yet, I still question myself all the time when I react to something that others don’t. I hear the voices of my teachers and babysitters and cousins and, yes, even my highly sensitive parents sometimes, telling me that I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

I have to remind myself, over and over, that I’m not making it up.

No, I’m not imagining that we’re both waking up every morning with headaches, swollen eyes, itchy throats, and sneezing and coughing all day, even with two air purifiers going 24-7. That it’s significantly less in areas without carpet. Or that it all clears up when we leave.

I was not exaggerating when I threw up within seconds of walking into the house after the carpets got cleaned (wet). I’m not exaggerating the rash that has broken out across my legs after sitting on the floor. Or having difficulty breathing for more than an hour in my new office.

I’m not imagining our first guest feeling an impending asthma attack after less than an hour in the house (it’s not just us!).

I’m definitely not making up the mold we found after ripping up the carpet in one room. I wonder what’s under the rest.

Sometimes it helps my negative thoughts to have evidence, so I keep repeating these facts in my head. That helps to reinforce that what I’m experiencing is real.

Only The Criticism Is ‘In My Head’

I shouldn’t need to justify my experience of the world. I shouldn’t assume that I’m overreacting when I’m having an obvious and intense allergic reaction. I shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling. But until that internalized critic loosens its grip, I will keep kindly reminding myself that I am not to blame for experiencing something that someone else doesn’t.

Everyone reacts to sensory inputs when they reach a certain threshold, and that threshold is different for each of us. I react to some sensory inputs at far lower concentrations than many people do. In other words, I am closely attuned to, or highly sensitive to, input from my environment.

I also smelled gas that the technician from the gas company could not, although his gas detector proved me right. It turns out that I notice very small doses of toxicity, while some people respond only at high levels. Neither is wrong. And our world needs both kinds of people.

The new flooring will be installed soon, and in the meantime, I keep reminding myself that it’s okay to make my home a healthy place for me and my family to live.

If you’re interested in other ways that sensitivity and society interact, especially for autistics, check out my free workshops at autismchrysalis.com/free-workshop-recordings/.