Why They Say “You Know What You Did”: The Unexpected Backlash

Unexpected backlash

I received an interesting email about my video called “I Said No: How I Dealt with Anxiety Waiting for a Backlash”.

What this person wrote to me was, “Hi Heather, that’s an interesting and helpful account of what happened when you didn’t want the therapist to change your appointment. It’s amazing when we expect a backlash, and it doesn’t come sometimes.

What I have a problem with is ‘the unexpected backlash.’ I have no idea that I have said or done anything wrong, yet here is someone snarling at me, or blaming me, or saying ‘after what you said/did last week/last month I can’t deal with you anymore.’ How do I handle that? I have no idea what I said or did wrong and I’ve no idea how to handle/deal with this unexpected backlash. I’ve found if I try and ask or explain, they say ‘you know very well what you did or said! Stop making excuses!’

I’d appreciate any insight. Thanks.”

Okay, I want to address this, because this is a good question, and a really common situation for Autistics. I’ve been through this plenty of times myself, and it took me decades to realize that what is going on is an unhealthy relationship dynamic. When people say things to the effect of, “you know what you did,” or “if you don’t understand, I can’t explain it to you,” they really mean two things.

On one level, I think they are being honest that they genuinely don’t know how to explain social dynamics. A lot of neurotypicals have never had to think through this stuff analytically, the way that we, as Autistics, learned social dynamics. So they have no experience in really thinking things like this through, and no skills in explaining what’s going on to another person.

And on another level, they’re expressing some version of an unreasonable expectation. And I’m going to cover three different options of what that might be.

Option one

The first is that they think what you did is so obvious, that you must be messing with them to not understand it. So they shouldn’t need to explain. But when you’re asking the question, as I did so many times, seeking genuine understanding, not being a prankster or a brat or pigheaded or stubborn, or any of the other things that we often get labeled, when you’re genuinely trying to understand and you’re at the point of tears because you’re trying to understand and they’re not giving an inch, this is not your fault. This is an unhealthy relationship dynamic.

If you did something that upset someone, it is a reasonable expectation that they explain what was so upsetting about it. And if you ask them reasonably, and they refuse to answer, that is not a way to rebuild trust or repair the relationship or maintain a healthy relationship. That is an unhealthy dynamic, and it’s damaging to the relationship.

And just because a lot of people have done this to you, does not mean that that is appropriate or okay for them to do it. It just means that it’s a widespread unhealthy dynamic, but there are lots of widespread dynamics that are deeply unhealthy, like the silent treatment, or verbal abuse, or addictions. Just because a lot of people have done this, does not make it okay, and it does not put you in the wrong. It took a long time for me to realize this.

Option two

The second thing that might be going on, is not that you’ve actually done anything objectively wrong or bad, but that they didn’t know how to respond to you doing something that was unexpected in their frame of reference.

There are a lot of aspects to the normal Autistic communication style that are different from the neurotypical communication style, and therefore are often unexpected, but are not in any way objectively rude or harmful. Just because other people interpret them that way, does not make their interpretation correct. It does not mean that they are in the right, and does not mean that you need to change.

Now, if you did do something that actually was objectively harmful, then it would be good to look at that and try to find a way to do better. And from what this person wrote, it sounds like they do actually care about how they affect people, and are not trying to harm anyone, rather, they’re being caught off guard.

So there’s two things that you can do here. One of them is what you’ve already been trying to do, which is to ask for an explanation. If they won’t give you one, that’s on them, not on you. There have been a few times in my life when someone has actually thought it through and explained to me what I said or did, and how it came across, and it was an enlightening moment for me. I consider these moments gifts. But they are, unfortunately, rare.

And sometimes what they told me helped me understand other people better, and I was able to take certain things into account that I hadn’t considered before, and be able to deal with people in a better way.

And sometimes what I learned was that there was a neurotypical expectation that I had inadvertently violated, and then I was able to make a choice about whether or not I cared about that in future.

Sometimes I didn’t, sometimes I decided that that expectation was inappropriate, or inappropriate for me, or in this situation, or just silly or stupid or whatever. But at least I understood what was going on. And sometimes I decided to go along with the expectation because it smoothed things out. Sometimes that was me masking harder, and sometimes it was a thoughtful choice and not harmful to me, not actually masking. But either way I had better information to make a more intentional decision.

Option three

The third thing that might be going on, is that this kind of reaction is sometimes intended to “put you in your place,” to get you to back down. Especially when they come at you with something like, “after what you said or did, I can’t deal with you anymore.” They’re setting up a type of power struggle, where they’re putting themselves up as the “holder of information” and you are the “violator of norms” and they have the key to the information and so you are in a weakened power position.

They’re probably not thinking about it in those terms, consciously, but this is a very common dynamic, that, like I said earlier, many neurotypicals would not be able to explain in words, but they’re still carrying out.

And if you get all upset, and go on the defensive, and beg for explanations or forgiveness, for you-don’t-even-know-what, you’re playing along. And sometimes this is literally all that’s going on. That’s what they want.

Maybe you didn’t originally do or say anything at all, but they’re wanting to put you on the defensive, so that you kowtow to them and become more submissive in your relationship with that person. I don’t know if that’s really what’s going on in this particular person’s situation, but sometimes that’s the case.

This is a manipulation strategy and a very unhealthy dynamic.

The way out isn’t by trying to switch roles and become the dominant party, it’s by getting out of the power struggle entirely. By extracting yourself from the dynamic. You can ask them once or twice, in a reasonable tone of voice, to explain what you did, and if they’re not willing or able to explain, if they go to that, “you should know,” then you can just say that you don’t know, and that’s that. Walk away. Physically or metaphorically. And don’t pursue it. They will likely carry on with other ways to try and get you into their power struggle, but not engaging (I know, that’s easier said than done) is the only real way out. At least that I know of.

I teach some strategies in my anxiety reduction course on how to deal with the big reactions that come up inside of you when you take this path, or just dealing with difficult people in general. It’s way too much to get into here, but it is possible to genuinely not be affected by this stuff. Or at least as much affected. Not just pretending that you don’t care, or trying to talk yourself into not caring, but genuinely not being affected. To watch them pitch a fit, and complain, and poke and prod at you, verbally, metaphorically, and in your mind you can be like, “oh, you’re doing that power struggle thing, or you’re trying to get me to go on the defensive, how cute. How’s that working out for you?” And then you go back to doing your own thing.

The responses

And when you don’t engage in their unhealthy dynamics, of whatever form it is, they can respond in essentially three different ways. They can adapt and learn healthier relationship dynamics, gradually, over time, or they can cut you off and end the relationship, or they can continue as they’ve been doing, and get you to play along. And you, too, can choose to either learn healthier relationship dynamics yourself, or end the relationship, or back down and continue as before in their power struggle.

That might sound dramatic, but relationships that are worth keeping, generally will stabilize, and both parties will adapt, and the dynamics will improve. Relationships that are genuinely toxic tend to end, but those are toxic relationships. Is that a relationship that you want to keep in your life?

I know, it’s not always that straightforward. There are lots of complex reasons why we might need to keep someone in our life, even if it’s a difficult and unhealthy relationship. And it’s a lot easier to get sucked back in and continue the old dynamics. I know I’m oversimplifying this. But it does kind of come down to these three options.

OK, I’m gonna wrap this up here, but the point that I want to emphasize is that what’s going on here is not really your fault. If you, as a reasonable person who does seem to care about others, are being honest about your behavior and its effect on other people, and still can’t figure out what you did that was so horrible, you probably didn’t do anything that was objectively harmful. Even if you did something objectively harmful and didn’t realize it, their lack of an explanation is not your fault.

When this happens over and over, it can result in self-doubt, and a complex and painful relationship history. It can even lead to social anxiety or complex relationship trauma, and it can be worth working to deconstruct some of that, but the underlying root cause probably has a lot less to do with you and what you did, then with you being around a lot of people who don’t have healthy relationship skills.

Okay, I wanted to share this with more than just the person who emailed me. I don’t usually give this full of an explanation to emails, but this question really hit home with me. And again, here’s the post that sparked this question.

I’m curious what your reaction is to this. Am I off the mark? Does this resonate with your experience? I hope something in this is useful for you. And if there’s someone you know who might want to hear this, please share it with them.