What’s wrong with them?

Blue background with pale skinned woman. Text next to her reads: "What's wrong with them?"
When you have relationship troubles, it's so easy to default to asking "what's wrong with me?" Instead, sometimes it's worth asking, "what's wrong with them?"
What's wrong with them?

Are you in a bad situation?

If you’re Autistic and you’re in a situation where you’re working with, living with, friends with someone who is regularly hurting you, and you can’t figure out why, but there’s clearly a bad situation: I’m wondering, what is it about them that is creating this situation?

And I phrase that very carefully, because often it’s so so easy for us to go into the place of “what’s wrong with me?”, “why don’t they like me?”, “what’s wrong with me that this is an issue?” But if you genuinely cannot figure out what you are doing wrong (you’re not being mean, you’re not hurting them in any way, you’re not creating a situation that is inappropriate), it genuinely might not be you, it might be them.

It might be that their ego can’t support someone who actually tells the truth. It might be that they had dreams that are being dashed by some factors outside of your control, and it has nothing to do with you, but they’re really upset about it and they’re taking it out on someone else. Maybe they’re taking it out on you because it looks like you’re doing something similar. But there’s nothing wrong with that, that’s their issues.

It might be their issues that are creating this situation, not actually you.

But this is my point. It might be their issues that are creating this situation, not actually you. So, what is it about them?

You might not have a good answer for that. You probably don’t, in fact. You’re probably not going to be able to know what it is from their past or what it is in their psyche that is creating this. But I would like to suggest a shift from always blaming yourself for every time anyone doesn’t like you, or anytime anyone is mean to you, or anytime anyone has patterns of bad behavior. It might not be you that’s causing the issue. It might be them.

Okay, that’s my thought for today. I wish you a neurowonderful day. Take care.

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Heather Cook

Hi, I’m Heather. I’m an Autistic writer, advocate, and life coach, and I'm building a life I love. I help other Autistics to build their own autism-positive life. I love reading, jigsaw puzzles, just about every -ology, and Star Trek!

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