Starting your business…

Hi. This is Heather with Autism Chrysalis, and I want to talk to people who are neurodivergent and who are trying to make their life better by working for themselves, rather than for some large corporation or inflexible system, and are finding it overwhelming. So here’s a little bit of insight.

And by the way, I’m teaching a course about how to work for yourself without burning out as a neurodivergent person. I’ll share a little bit about that at the very end of this.

And they’re like, oh, what do I need on my website? I need an about page, and a home page, and some offerings. Ooh, I need an offering. Okay, I need something that I can offer. Like, what am I going to sell? Am I going to sell a package or a service? Do I need some photos? Websites need good photos.

So they either dive into taking photos and getting some good headshots of themselves, or they go looking for stock images for pretty background stuff. Then they put those on the website, and they’re like, oh, I need an email. People need to contact me. So they go look for an email provider — maybe their hosting company provides one, maybe they get Gmail. They figure that out, get it set up, and make some sort of professional-looking signature line.

And then it’s like, what else do I need? And they just kind of proceed like this. It’s one thing after another. Do I need some way for people to buy the thing? Like, I need scheduling software — if it’s a service, people need to be able to schedule appointments. Okay, so let’s go look for scheduling services, pick one out, set it up. And then you’re setting it up and they require you to enter your payment processor information. And you’re like, payment processor, what’s that? Stripe? What’s that? Square? PayPal? I know what PayPal is.

And this is how it goes. It’s just one thing after another. Whatever’s in front of you that needs to be solved right now gets the attention.

Figuring out marketing…

And then you’re like, yeah, but how do I let people know that this exists? Do I need to make flyers or business cards? Should I put flyers around town? Should I put flyers all over the internet? How do I do that? Oh, if I’m going to put flyers on the internet, do I need social media accounts for the business? Which platforms do I need to be on? I should probably go make some of those.

And you go get those set up, pick out handles that match the business name — hopefully — and then you go back to marketing. How do I make graphics to advertise a thing? Do I need Canva? Everyone’s using Canva. Okay, you get some graphics going, start advertising some kind of an offer, putting it on social media, but not really getting a response, because no one knows that it exists.

Do I need to pump up my social media accounts? Do I need to spend a ton of time on social media connecting with people and answering questions? So you go research online: how do I boost my social media following?

Okay, they say go into groups for the topic that you work in and answer people’s questions, establish yourself as an expert, and don’t offer anything — just do it to gain reputation and to be seen as an authority in your field, like you know what you’re talking about. And then later on, you can post some sort of an offer and it’ll go a little bit better.

Okay, so you spend tons of hours on forums or groups answering lots of questions and offering great info. And maybe you make a freebie — another suggestion you’ve come across — a free info page or a free thing they can download, to build trust as an expert. And you do that, and it gets out, and people like it and make good comments about it, but it doesn’t actually turn into clients.

I’ve seen many people making resentful-sounding posts on these groups, saying things like, “I’ve been giving and giving and giving, and no one’s signing up. You’re just takers.”

So you go look for another strategy. Someone else says try this, and you try that for a while. Someone else says try this. And you see other people who did that strategy and it worked for them, so you pour your energy into that.

And this is the cycle — whatever’s in front of you, whatever fire needs to be put out, whatever good idea pops up.

Getting your first client…

And then you get a client, and you’re like, ooh, I got a client! Someone’s actually interested. They’re going to pay me. And then you have to figure that out. How does that work? How do you keep track of information about the client? They ask you a completely reasonable question that any service provider would get, and you’re like, ooh, I need to invent an answer to that. I have no idea. Let me go figure that out and then come back and try to look professional, like I’ve answered that question a hundred times.

And maybe they’re satisfied. Maybe it goes over well. Maybe your improvised answer wasn’t what they were hoping for, and you get a little pushback, or a disappointed response, or a follow-up question — even a potentially quite neutral one — but it feels like a big threat, because now you’re about to lose this client. Your very first client. You’ve been working all this time trying to get a client, and now maybe you’ve got one. Okay, maybe I just need to accommodate them.

And you take away from that experience that you just need to be more flexible. You need to accommodate your clients, because really, you just need a few paying clients — or even one paying client would be great. So when you get someone who expresses interest, you’re like, alright, I need to bend over backwards. I need to be more available, more receptive, more of whatever it was.

And this is kind of how it goes. You get a few more prospects. Eventually some of them turn into clients. Things work out. You figure it out as you go. You build systems or procedures piecemeal — they work well enough, they solve the problems you’ve got at the moment. But what you’re doing is building often unnecessary procedures.

Making it work on your own

And here’s the thing: this is fairly normal, because you’ve never been taught what you actually need and what you don’t need. You’ve never been taught this in a systematic manner. You don’t have any kind of list of what to do, what you don’t need to do, why, in what order, and whether any given thing is even relevant for you.

And if you do find some sort of list like that on the internet — like how to start your own coaching practice, or massage therapy practice, or meditation practice, or how to start your own small business — it generally doesn’t really apply to your business. Even if you find ones that are more industry-specific, where it’s a known industry and someone’s created a list, that’s probably going to be more helpful. But I’ll bet you anything that those lists, even the helpful ones, aren’t really going to set you up with the systems for how to run your business.

They’re just a list of things that you need — not procedures, not tying things together, how this influences that and how that influences this other thing.

You’re going off and making it up, more or less trying to replicate what you’ve seen in other businesses, because that’s your only model — the businesses you’ve worked for, or the businesses you’ve been around, the business advice you find on the internet.

And it’s not necessarily that any of that is bad business advice, but it’s not built for a neurodivergent brain, or a body with fluctuating energy capacity, or chronic health needs, or different goals — when your goals aren’t to scale as big as possible, or to build a multi-million dollar business, or to make $100k within six months. When you just want a little side business, or something that might support you eventually, or a side business that will work while you keep your main job. It takes different structures to get there.

Getting stuck in your cycle

And this is kind of how business proceeds, because it’s hard to get out of this cycle once you’re in it. Once you’re doing this and you start getting a few clients, that keeps you busy and you don’t have time to rework everything, to set up those procedures.

And it probably doesn’t even occur to you to do that. There might be some twinge inside that feels like, oh, this probably could go better, or there’s probably a better way to do this, or if I just had some time to think this through I could probably make it easier. But you’re too busy to take the time to take the load off.

And then you’re in it, just trying to keep your head above water, trying to keep money coming in, trying to keep clients happy, trying to keep everything working and running. And it is running — sort of — but it’s just on a different treadmill than the one you got off of from corporate life. Instead of being on the rat race, you’re on the hamster wheel.

And then you come across someone else who’s doing some cool idea for marketing their services, or connecting with other service providers, or making a partnership. And you’re like, ooh, let’s make a podcast, or interview other experts, or network using this particular strategy, or this thing or that thing. And you just pop from one good idea to the next, investing a whole bunch of time and energy into it, and it pays off somewhat, to some extent — you get a little bit from it, but not as much as you were hoping.

So you move on. Then you see some other thing, or come up with some other good idea, or a new offer, or a new lead magnet, or a new service, or whatever, and you just move on to the next thing.

And I’ll admit, I’ve fallen into that trap more often than I’d care to admit, especially with my previous businesses. So I know what this is like.

When you’ve got all these different things you’re juggling, it’s just so much. And then something happens in your life, or you get a flood of six new clients at once — and that sounds great, like, ooh, six clients! But you forget how much work the onboarding will take, and all of a sudden your month is just packed with everything it takes to onboard all six clients at once. Or you decide to start up a podcast, and then your month is packed with: I need to figure out everything there is about podcasting. And you deep dive into that. Or something happens in your life and someone needs you for a while, and you need to take some time off, and then you get behind.

Of course you’re constantly harried. Of course you’re constantly on the verge of exhausted, or stressed, or on the verge of collapse. Because you never stepped back. You never got intentional about building the systems that would support you.

That’s not intended to be a criticism — simply a description of what’s happening. And I’m not immune to this. I’ve done this with multiple businesses.

Making a system that works

But each business I’ve run, that startup phase got smoother and faster, because I have that list in my head. And at one point I even made a physical list of exactly what I need to do in what order, so I didn’t have to try and come up with it. So this last time, that startup phase was really easy. By the way, I’m going to be sharing that list in my Alchemy course.

And I’m far less likely now to just go from ooh, good idea to ooh, good idea. But even I will still fall into that trap too sometimes. And yet, I have gotten a whole lot better at saying no to about three quarters of those new “good ideas”, because my systems prevent it. My systems block me. My systems make me stop and question: is this going to fit into the model that I have? What will it cost me to do that? What will it really take from me? What else will I have to say no to in order to do this? Do I already have something that’s working and I don’t need to do that?

And so in my current business, I’ve been really intentional about building those systems from the very beginning. And at several points I’ve taken a step back, recalibrated, and fixed some things I saw going a little bit haywire before they got too far off. And that has made a huge difference for me.

What I want to share in AuDHD Alchemy is how to be intentional from the beginning — or from wherever you are — and how to step back and recalibrate before things go too far off. How to build systems that prevent that desperation cycle instead of just reacting to whatever’s in front of you.

AuDHD Alchemy is about how to work for yourself without burning out as a neurodivergent person. We start May 2. There’s a link in the description, or go to autismchrysalis.com/alchemy. Hope to see you there.

The post The Real Reason Your Business Feels Overwhelming | Autistic & ADHD Entrepreneurs appeared first on Autism Chrysalis.

Standard business advice that’s awful for self-employed Autistics and AuDHDers, number 4:
“Charge what you’re worth.”

Why this is crap

What the hell is that even supposed to mean? Your worth has nothing to do with a number. Your worth is infinite. Your worth is unique. Your worth is not calculable.

And frankly, if you are new at your industry, and you don’t have years of experience or expertise yet, what you’re worth, just in the context of the results that you can produce for people, may not be very much yet. And that’s okay. That’s normal. You will get better with experience.

An alternative framework

So charging what you’re worth is not a useful, reasonable, or accurate framework for deciding how much to charge.

Would you like something that has a little more basis in reality? So you can actually calculate a fair rate, with real numbers, and stop wasting energy worrying, wringing hands, and apologizing for your prices, and use that energy on more useful things in your business? A framework that doesn’t tie your rates to your self-worth or childhood trauma?

Well, that’s part of what I’ll be teaching in my course AuDHD Alchemy. We’ll cover the 7 elements of how to work for yourself as an Autistic or AuDHDer without burning yourself out. If you’d like some more info, here’s an overview, or you can go to: autismchrysalis.com/alchemy  We start on May 2nd.

The post “Charge What You’re Worth” Doesn’t Work for AuDHD Entrepreneurs | Autistic Business Advice #4 appeared first on Autism Chrysalis.

Standard business advice that’s awful for self-employed Autistics and AuDHDers, part 3:
“Put yourself out there.”

Why this is crap

Most of us who have spent our life feeling weird or out of place, but who didn’t get the label of autistic or ADHD or neurodivergent until adulthood, have a long history of being told to ‘be yourself.’ And then we did that, and then we were rejected, or had painful experiences, like getting ‘comments’ about who you are or the things you do, or the way you phrase things, or being too intense or too much.

And most of us have learned, to varying degrees, to hide, to rein it in, or to mask. The idea of ‘putting yourself out there’ can feel like painting a target on your own chest, inviting all that criticism right back in. And why would you do that? No reasonable person with that kind of history would be excited to be more visible in that way.

And honestly, it’s taken me years to work through enough of my complex relational trauma to be able to make my YouTube videos, and put my actual picture on my social media accounts, and do things like share the things that I’ve made with my real name on it, like this self-employment course for neurodivergents.

But you don’t have to work through all that trauma history before getting started. Although, at a personal level, I will say that it has been incredibly useful in so many areas of my life.

What’s the purpose?

But let’s look at what the purpose of this is: the purpose of visibility, in terms of business, is to get clients or customers. That is, people who will willingly pay you for the thing that you’re offering. Bottom line, that’s what it comes down to.

Like I talked about in my last video on bad business advice for neurodivergents, on networking, the formula is to get really clear on what your goal is, and then make a bee line for that.

So if the goal is for people to want to pay you for the thing that you’re offering, then what do they need in order to willingly (and I’ll add genuinely, not being manipulative for anything like that) trade their money for your thing?

Well, those people need to know that the thing you’re offering exists. And in order for them to find out that it exists, some information of some kind does need to be accessible in places where they would look for it. This is where we often get stuck on visibility. But making yourself more visible is only one strategy. It does not mean that you personally have to be all that visible.

What can you do?

There are arguments that can be made about how it helps to build trust if they can see you, and there is some value in that, especially in certain industries, if what you’re selling is essentially you (I’m going to circle back to this), but it’s not the only way to get sales.

Those are the things that need to be put out there. It doesn’t need to be you personally.

And even in those industries, or for those services, where you are much more the product, where it’s about your expertise, your lived experience, even in those cases I would still argue that you can largely get away with having a little bit of information about you, but keeping the focus on what it is that you can do for your client. What problem you can solve for them. That’s what they really want to know. And knowing about you gives them confidence that you’ll be able to deliver, but it still doesn’t have to be a spotlight on you.

I’ll be sharing several strategies for how to do this in my upcoming course that’ll cover this, and many other aspects on how to be self-employed as an Autistic or AuDHDer, and how to do so without burning yourself out. For info on the course you can go here, or to sign up, go to: autismchrysalis.com/alchemy. We start May 2nd.

Wishing you a neurowonderful day.

The post You Don’t Have to “Put Yourself Out There” to Get Clients | Autistic Business Advice #3 appeared first on Autism Chrysalis.

Moving to a new house

There’s this thing that happens because I’m highly sensitive in a culture that doesn’t know how to deal with sensitivity and sensory differences. Throughout my life, I have been blamed, ignored, minimized, and even ridiculed for feeling things that others do not.

That’s bad enough, but it’s not the worst part. Over the years, I’ve been told so often that I’m overreacting, that a part of me defaults to assuming that’s true, no matter what. Here’s how it flared up recently in a big way.

My family moved into a new house, and like so often happens, there were a few surprises. The biggest was that I’m apparently allergic to something in the carpets. We knew before moving in that the last owners had pets, but I’m not normally allergic to animals and was not prepared for how much it would affect both of us.

Within a few hours of starting to move our stuff in, I was coughing and sneezing and could barely breathe. I spent the first several days doing every errand imaginable to get out of the house. I’m usually the one finding excuses to not leave the house.

We got the carpets cleaned immediately, which actually made things worse for a few days, because whatever I was reacting to was wet. Then we were both miserable. Long story short, we decided to replace all the carpet throughout the house.

I’m Making This Up, Right?

Here’s the thing. I keep thinking that I’m making this up. Inventing a problem where none exists. Or at least blowing it out of proportion. A suspiciously-parental voice in my head keeps reminding me that we visited the house four times before buying it, and although we could smell something, neither of us had a major reaction. So I must be exaggerating what’s going on now. Right?

Also, I don’t love the carpets, and we had talked about replacing them in a couple of years, so am I manifesting symptoms to push us into a major purchase far sooner than we were planning?

We did try simple fixes first; air purifiers, essential oils, and opening windows. Those have all helped, and it is easier to breathe now, so are we seriously overreacting? Are air purifiers enough? Do we not actually need to rip out our flooring?

Or rather is my body spewing the stress of the giant major purchase of buying a house, and my mind latched onto carpets as a likely scapegoat? Will we spend all this money on flooring and it won’t make any difference?

Plus, a few workmen have been in the house and they haven’t seemed to have any issues. So am I just imagining that this is a problem?

I keep wondering.

Because both of us are highly sensitive people, and I’m autistic, which comes with a bonus pack of extra sensory differences, and we’ve both been told throughout our lives, when we reacted to something that others didn’t, that we were making it up. Exaggerating. Blowing it out of proportion. That we were just imagining it.

No, It’s Not Just Me

I’ve spent the last several years exploring my sensory differences and coming to the realization that they are real, that when I experience something, it is a genuine physical experience and not just in my head. And yet, I still question myself all the time when I react to something that others don’t. I hear the voices of my teachers and babysitters and cousins and, yes, even my highly sensitive parents sometimes, telling me that I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

I have to remind myself, over and over, that I’m not making it up.

No, I’m not imagining that we’re both waking up every morning with headaches, swollen eyes, itchy throats, and sneezing and coughing all day, even with two air purifiers going 24-7. That it’s significantly less in areas without carpet. Or that it all clears up when we leave.

I was not exaggerating when I threw up within seconds of walking into the house after the carpets got cleaned (wet). I’m not exaggerating the rash that has broken out across my legs after sitting on the floor. Or having difficulty breathing for more than an hour in my new office.

I’m not imagining our first guest feeling an impending asthma attack after less than an hour in the house (it’s not just us!).

I’m definitely not making up the mold we found after ripping up the carpet in one room. I wonder what’s under the rest.

Sometimes it helps my negative thoughts to have evidence, so I keep repeating these facts in my head. That helps to reinforce that what I’m experiencing is real.

Only The Criticism Is ‘In My Head’

I shouldn’t need to justify my experience of the world. I shouldn’t assume that I’m overreacting when I’m having an obvious and intense allergic reaction. I shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling. But until that internalized critic loosens its grip, I will keep kindly reminding myself that I am not to blame for experiencing something that someone else doesn’t.

Everyone reacts to sensory inputs when they reach a certain threshold, and that threshold is different for each of us. I react to some sensory inputs at far lower concentrations than many people do. In other words, I am closely attuned to, or highly sensitive to, input from my environment.

I also smelled gas that the technician from the gas company could not, although his gas detector proved me right. It turns out that I notice very small doses of toxicity, while some people respond only at high levels. Neither is wrong. And our world needs both kinds of people.

The new flooring will be installed soon, and in the meantime, I keep reminding myself that it’s okay to make my home a healthy place for me and my family to live.

If you’re interested in other ways that sensitivity and society interact, especially for autistics, check out my free workshops at autismchrysalis.com/free-workshop-recordings/.

The post I’m Highly Sensitive; I’m Not Making It Up appeared first on Autism Chrysalis.

What’s different? 

Someone asked me what I’m doing differently in my business this time that made the difference so that I can work without burnout now. And the answer is pretty much everything, and not a lot at the same time.

Hi, I’m Heather of Autism Chrysalis, and I want to share the answer to this question and also let you know that I’m putting on a course starting soon—May 2nd—on how to do this: How to structure a business that is neurodivergent-friendly and sustainable, so that you can keep working for as long as you choose to without burnout.

Okay, so I’ve run five businesses over the last 20 years, and I’ve learned more each time about making it more sustainable, but this one was a significant improvement. Not just an incremental, less terrible version. 

This time I’ve worked for myself for six years without even getting close to burnout, and there were two really critical things that changed everything for me.

Thing #1: Making things work for me

The first is that I prioritized figuring out how to make it work in a way that works for me, over following standard advice.

When I first started this business, I thought of that as prioritizing my health, both my physical health and my mental health. But over time, I realized that what I was really doing was figuring out how I worked, and what created positive outcomes for my body, my mind, and the life that I liked.

It doesn’t matter what other people say should work for you, or whether it works for other people. Whether to-do lists work for them or they don’t. Which project tracking tools work for them. What marketing strategies work for them. What statistics to track on your YouTube channel. 

What matters is what works for you. 

What matters to me now is that I do things in a way that I care about, in a way that is healthy for me and healthy for my clients, and that doesn’t have to look like what a lot of mainstream business advice says it should look like.

And at the same time, it’s not really *that* far off. It’s not like I’m doing something completely foreign to humanity or modern business. It’s more that I’ve let go of a lot of the guilt and the blame and the shoulds and the shame and the comparisons–that I should use subconscious triggers to close more sales. Or that I should create a false sense of urgency or scarcity to drive faster (and incidentally less well-thought out) decisions. Or that I should be charging more money (I have had that conversation with so many business advisors, and yes, I am charging less than other coaches with my experience and training and the results that I get for my clients, and they think that I’m devaluing myself, but I’m not, it’s a strategic decision).

Like, all of that–I don’t need to do that, and I still get plenty of clients who are very happy with my style.

How I make things work

Another example is: I don’t have to present myself in a particular way. I don’t have to dress like a therapist. I don’t have to wear makeup. I thought I did at the beginning, and I tried, and it was just like I wanted to claw my face off all the time.

I want to wear clothes that I’m comfortable in. And I want my environment to be comfortable for me, because I’m spending a lot of time here. It doesn’t have to look like a magazine, and interestingly, it actually does look quite pretty, and I get a lot of compliments about my painted trees. But it doesn’t have to. I’m not doing it because of some image–it’s just what I like. And I like pretty things. I like comfortable spaces. I like earth tones. I like spaces that make me sigh in relief. I like soft knits.

Another example, I don’t see clients before 10am, because I am not a morning person. I gave up years ago trying to force myself into standard business hours–eight to five or whatever. Screw that. Who cares, right?

You can’t schedule with me before 10am my time, because I will be up about an hour before that at the earliest. My body naturally wakes up around eight, and then it takes me about an hour to wake up enough to willingly get out of bed. Around nine, nine-thirty-ish, I’m actually awake enough—my body has done its hour-long wake-up process—and I’m happy to get out of bed and do things. I don’t set an alarm clock either. I haven’t set one in years, except maybe one time I needed to take someone to the airport, but beyond that, I won’t set an alarm clock, and I don’t need to anymore. 

Because my body is naturally ready to get up about that time. And then I don’t have to drag myself out of bed. And I’ve arranged my life to make that possible, not something that I’m trying to force myself to do that is against my nature.

Okay, so a lot of this is about getting rid of the internalized “I should do it this way,” or “I should be better at this,” or “I should be farther along,” or “I need to do this thing in order to have some particular outcome that I don’t even really care about, just because some people in my life, or general cultural messaging, says that I should want this.” 

So an important part of the way out of responding to those shoulds, and that messaging, is getting really clear on what you do actually want, what is actually important to you, and then make a beeline for that and chuck the rest. I know it’s not as easy as just doing that, but that’s basically the idea. And I’m going to get into how to do that in excessive detail in my course on self-employment without burnout.

Thing #2: Teaching my nervous system

Here’s another critical thing that I did differently in this business.

And the first couple of years were very much like that. That was very intentionally my purpose. It wasn’t really about making money, although that was important, of course. But it was really about creating the systems, creating the foundation, being okay with working a little bit and not diving into working full time.

The first couple of years were really, really part time.

The first year, I was probably working 10 hours a week max, and I literally capped it at three hours of client time a week. That was an intentional cap. I set up my scheduling limits on my scheduling calendar to do that because I needed it, and I refused to go over that.

The second year I was working maybe 20 hours a week, and only half of that was client-facing. Because the point wasn’t to get more clients. The point was to prove to myself that I could do this in a different way. That I could work and not burn out for the first time in my life.

Because I knew that if I was ever going to be able to work continuously, that it would take that. I gave myself the grace to take some time for the first year or two to not actually make a whole lot of money or not work very much, because my project was a long-term project. I knew that if I was ever going to be able to continue working, it would take doing this. It would take teaching my nervous system that I could do this in a different way.

And that was more important to me long-term than making the money short-term.

The money helped. Money was important. But I was already living on so little that I knew I could keep doing that. Even if it sucked, even if it was really, really hard (and it was). But I could keep doing that because I had been doing that.

And if it took a little bit longer of living like that in order to teach myself that I could work differently, that would pay off for the rest of my life. And it was worth it to me.

Building up trust

So I slowly built up that capacity. It took a while, but I built up the capacity, I built up the trust in myself, and I got better at learning how to pay attention to myself and how to respond to my needs.

How to notice my body signals when I was deep in a project, when I was tunnel-visioned and hyperfocused on something. And how to actually pay attention to: “Oh, I’m getting kind of tired.” Or often it was more like, “I’m noticing I’m rubbing my eyes a lot. Maybe my eyes hurt. Oh, maybe I’m tired. Maybe I should stop.”

Doing that over and over slowly built trust that it would be okay and that I could do that. And the anxiety reduced.

About my course

This is what I’m going to be teaching how to do in my self-employment course, AuDHD Alchemy–how to teach your nervous system that it’s safe to work, and how to structure things that actually work for your brain, your nervous system, your body, your health needs, your values, and the life that you want to have. The things that you actually care about, whether or not they overlap in any way with normative ideals.

For more info on that course, go to autismchrysalis.com/alchemy, and there’s a post here describing it. And either way, I hope that some part of this answer was useful to you.

Wishing you a neurowonderful day.

The post 2 Things That Transformed My Business (6 Years Burnout-Free) appeared first on Autism Chrysalis.

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Why does this hurt?

The clinical term for autism in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual is autism spectrum disorder, yet many autistic people prefer autism spectrum differences, largely on the grounds that calling one neurotype normal and another disordered is a biased judgment. I’ve made this and other arguments plenty of times myself, but right now I want to skip past all those arguments and get far more personal.

Here’s what really underlies my aversion to that particular word.

Deep breath. OK, here we go.

I have been called weird all my life. Strange. Odd. Abnormal. I’ve been the one no one wanted to play with, the one no one picked for teams, the one the other kids teased for not understanding their social intrigues and, ironically, for being far too smart as well.

The teachers weren’t much better, singling me out for everything from how I talked and played to how slowly I ate my sandwich at lunch — I was watching the other kids to try to understand them. I often had the right answer faster than the other kids, yet my teachers, while praising how smart I was, could not believe I wasn’t somehow cheating. They made me write assignments at a secluded desk, do math problems their way instead of in my head, and “show my work” to prove compliance. They actually invested a lot of effort into forcing me to think more sluggishly.

My sensory experience of the world is far more intense than for most neurotypicals, yet long before I was able to articulate that I was in pain, and not just acting out, I was given to understand in no uncertain terms that my pain was no excuse for behaving differently, and differences would not be tolerated. So by the time I could have explained myself, I had already stopped trying.

My daily experience from infancy, through 12 years of public education, and not infrequently in adult life as well, has been a continual process of being told what I was not allowed to feel, how I was not allowed to think, that I was not allowed to react naturally to pain. Of labeling me as wrong.

Learning to like myself

Many years of therapy later, I have worked through a lot of these old wounds and have begun to heal from the thousands of experiences, from tiny to traumatic, that formed my self-identity as weird and strange and abnormal.

In the process, I learned many painful truths about myself. For instance, it hurt too much to admit (even to myself) until only a few years ago, that for a very long time, I did not like myself. How could I like myself when the message I was getting the most was that I was not likable?

Undoing that damage has been a long journey, one I am still on, yet I have finally come to accept myself, to know in my heart that I am worthwhile, and to like who I am. I’m learning to accept that the challenges that come with my autism don’t have to define me. I am also learning to recognize and value the gifts of my autism, which are many.

Still being seen as “wrong”

But then I go online, or read an article, pick up a book, flip on the news, or take a professional development course, and encounter supposed experts, professionals, and scientists describing autism as a “disorder.” Describing me as disordered. Going on and on about our “deficiencies.” And it triggers every one of those not-entirely-healed wounds.

I hear it too in the mouths of friends and family who, to their credit, try very hard to understand me, and it tells me this is something they do not understand.

I even see it in the writings of neurotypicals who say they celebrate neurodiversity. Sometimes that D doesn’t land well for them, either, so they use the abbreviation ASD instead, thinking that makes it better, or disguises it, but it doesn’t.

People think “disorder” is just a word. Maybe not a kind word on its own, but in this context, it’s just part of the clinical name, so that makes it OK. They don’t get how it brings back all those times I’ve been ridiculed and excluded and made to feel that other people’s rejection of me was my fault for not being normal enough.

This is yet another case in which someone can use a word they don’t intend to be hurtful or offensive in any way, yet the word is loaded with history, and that history matters.

The post Why I Won’t Call Autism a ‘Disorder’ appeared first on Autism Chrysalis.

Standard business advice that’s awful for self-employed Autistics and AuDHDers, part 2:
“Network, network, network.”

Why this is crap

Ugh, I hate this one. Especially when you don’t want to be perceived, when you hate small talk, and when social interaction is, at best, a chore. The advice to “network” probably produces an immediate gut clenching reaction. Every avoidance technique your subconscious can come up with will kick into gear, and given the choice, you might prefer a migraine.

But let’s look for a minute at what the purpose of networking is, and then we can find a way to fulfill that purpose without actually having to network, in the mainstream sense.

What is networking?

The idea of networking is usually one of two things. One, a way to find people in business who can support you in either some aspect of your business, or some aspect of spreading your message. Like partnering with people who have a similar client base but are not actually in competition with you. So you two can recommend each other to your clients. Or work on a project together that helps you both.

Or, the second purpose is more directly a way to get clients, by talking with people who may themselves become clients, or who may refer you to people that they know.

How networking is usually done is through going to mixers of people who are either in the same industry as you, or just happen to own a business in the same community, or might be loosely related in some way, and mingling, either in person or online, and more or less just hoping that you’ll find someone that might be relevant to fulfilling either of those two purposes.

This is like reaching into a bag of 1000 marbles, and hoping you’ll pull out one of the two purple ones. It’s a waste of time, energy, stress, executive function, cognitive load, and you can use all of those things much more efficiently in your business by doing other things.

This is why a lot of us hate networking, and when we do it, it sucks and just reinforces our preconceived notion that it’s a waste of time, because usually it is.

What can you do instead?

But let’s look at those two purposes again.

To get clients: honestly, you shouldn’t be using networking to get clients. That’s what marketing is for. So write that one off. It can sometimes lead to a client, but that’s not a good use of networking energy.

If it is something that would actually be useful for you at this point in your business, great, useful for what? Get really clear on what it is you want to get out of it, and then make a beeline for actually doing that. Not random networking events, not meeting random people hoping something good might come out of it.

If you’re looking for people to share an audience, scope out people like that and reach out individually to make contacts, and know that only a portion of those are going to bear fruit, and that’s okay. That’s normal and expected in business and in human relationships. That’s not necessarily you being terrible at people-ing.

If you want more help on how to actually do that, in a way that’s made for Autistics and AuDHDers, I’m teaching a course that’ll cover how to find and connect with the right people, and to market authentically and ethically, in ways that actually work for your divergent brain, and actually produce the results that you want. As well as many other aspects on how to be self-employed as an Autistic or AuDHDer without burning yourself out. We start on May 2nd. If you want more info, here’s an overview, or go to: https://www.autismchrysalis.com/alchemy

Wishing you a neurowonderful day.

The post I Hate Networking (And You Don’t Actually Need to Do It) — Autistic Business Advice #2 appeared first on Autism Chrysalis.

How are they related?

Social stuff and sensory stuff might seem like two unrelated topics, but in my experience, they’re more closely linked than they’re usually given credit for.

In all fairness, it might seem strange to start with noticing sensations in your body if your goal is to make friends. Or to identify the extent of your own sensory differences if you’re trying to understand, or become more comfortable with, school or work social dynamics. But it can make a difference. Here are three big reasons to start working on sensory stuff if you want to get more comfortable socially.

1. Sensory processing struggles take a lot out of you

When your energy is being used up dealing with your sensory needs, you don’t have any left to be pleasant to potential friends.

2. Your sensory stuff is probably affecting you more than you realize

Which you can only find out if you start actively paying attention to how your body feels.

How your body feels is something that most of us on the spectrum, and with other sensory differences, often learn to ignore as children. Which makes complete sense. If you’re constantly being hurt by something, and have no idea what to do about it, and the people around you don’t know what to do about it, your options are either to suffer or numb your feelings.

Many people unconsciously default to numbing, at least to some degree, so you may not even know how much sensory stuff is affecting you, or alternately, how useful it can be.

This brings me to reason three.

3. Your body has a wealth of knowledge, but you can’t tap into it until you practice using it

Our senses take in approximately 11 million bits of information per second. That’s a vast quantity of data that is being processed by different parts of your body, and that you’ve been collecting for years, decades, your entire life. However, we can only consciously process roughly 50 to 120 bits of information per second. That’s millions less than what we are taking in!

Your body has been gathering and storing that information away, categorizing it and making sense out of patterns, and yet only a tiny bit of it is available to your conscious awareness. You can access the rest, but only if you get in touch with how your body feels at any given moment.

Some people, like those of us on the autism spectrum, HSPs, trauma survivors, and plenty of others, tend to be either overly trusting or overly skeptical, either getting ourselves into bad situations or avoiding every possible situation. Neither extreme is particularly helpful, and using an integrated body-mind approach is a great way to balance the extreme reactions that come from using only our minds to make judgments.

I hope this helps as a brief overview of what sensory stuff has to do with making friends.

What do you think?

The post 3 Reasons Sensory Processing Challenges Can Contribute to Social Awkwardness appeared first on Autism Chrysalis.

Standard business advice that’s awful for Autistics and AuDHDers, part 1:
“Just show up consistently.”

Why this is crap

No living thing in nature is absolutely consistent day in and day out. There are variable cycles of energy from day to day, across seasons and years and times of life. Expecting consistency from any living thing is not reasonable, and neurodivergent brains even more so beat to the tune of our own drums.

You know what consistency is good for? Factories, production lines, and bureaucracy. That’s where we get most of our messaging from, originally, that consistency is even a thing to be desired.

And I don’t mean from the factory workers, but the factory systems itself are built for consistency. Production lines can carry on unendingly, even when the workers can’t. Bureaucracy needs consistency to be able to check the same boxes and fill out the same forms and make the exact same decisions every time. Not the people in the system, or affected by the system, but the system itself. So these kinds of systems try to make people consistent, to fit the system, but we’re not.

In real life, there are going to be ebbs and flows. Not being absolutely consistent isn’t your failure. It’s not because you’re not good enough, or you haven’t tried hard enough, or haven’t managed to discipline yourself enough.

This is not all or nothing

If you want more business advice, made for Autistics and AuDHDers, I’m teaching a course that’ll cover how to make systems that actually work for your neurodivergent brain, as well as many other aspects on how to be self-employed as an Autistic or AuDHDer without burning yourself out. We start on May 2nd. If you want more info, here’s an overview, or go to: https://www.autismchrysalis.com/alchemy

Wishing you a neurowonderful day.

The post Stop Trying to Be Consistent — Business Advice for Autistic & AuDHD Business Owners appeared first on Autism Chrysalis.

Working for yourself

If you’re Autistic or AuDHD and work for yourself, and are exhausted from trying to make your business work when your brain, energy, or health doesn’t always cooperate with what you want—this is for you.

I’ve created a program called Alchemy that teaches you how to build a sustainable, burnout-resistant business that works WITH your brain—without sacrificing your health, integrity, or profit.

The problem

Here’s what I see in just about all of my self-employed clients: they’re stressed, exhausted, and blaming themselves for not being able to do all the things required to run a business.

Which particularly hurts, because they weren’t cut out for “normal” jobs, either, which is why they started working for themselves, or are in the process right now of starting a business that they hope will someday replace other income. 

In some ways it is better, and they love working for themselves, but in some ways, it’s also really, really hard. And they’re wondering if they’re fundamentally not cut out for…working at all. Or even if there’s no place in this world for them.

And I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve worked for myself for almost 20 years, and run five businesses. And I’ve learned from each one, and this one, finally, has kept me out of burnout, while working full-time, for six years now. And I have more energy now than when I started.

But not by following standard business advice. In fact, I’ve had to unlearn a lot of that. It’s no wonder that you’re struggling, because everything we’ve ever been taught about business, both standard self-employment advice, and all the businesses you’ve ever worked for, tells you to be consistent, network constantly, hustle harder, put yourself out there, just sell.

But for neurodivergent brains? That advice creates a predictable cycle: push hard → burn out → guilt → self-blame → repeat.

The translation

Let me translate what that advice really means for us:

“Be consistent” actually means setting unrealistic goals that our irregular capacity makes impossible, which creates shame and the stress of it makes executive dysfunction worse.

“Network” means exhausting yourself with masking, followed by either shame at wasting your time or dread of the work that you just created for yourself.

“Hustle” means pushing past body signals, making it harder to rest, and making sensory overwhelm worse.

“Put yourself out there” means triggering complex relationship traumas, and not wanting to be perceived, leading to resistance and avoidance.

And “just sell” means rationalizing your qualms about pushy sales tactics, until you feel stuck, overwhelmed, and just want to hide.

Now ask yourself: is anyone in that state going to build a successful business?

Of course not.

The solution

But there is another way.

There are 7 key elements to building a burnout-resistant business. And when you set up systems that work, and structure them in a specific order, each one supports and leads to the next.

So you’re not relying on willpower to rest, or values to avoid desperate sales, or brain fog to make good decisions.

The system itself prevents burnout—because it’s built that way from the beginning.

When you design your business model to fit your real capacity and goals → you can build in the executive function supports that will lead to that outcome → which frees up your cognitive load, so your brain feels better → so you can notice what’s in your environment that’s sucking your energy, and create a sensory-friendly workspace → which gives you energy back so you can have a better sense of your realistic capacity → which lets you price based upon hard data → so you can market authentically → which attracts the right clients and builds trust with them, so client communication and boundaries get easier.

Each element supports the next. This is the alchemy.

The program

I’m teaching this in a 7-week program, starting May 2nd.

You’ll learn: Business Model Design, Supporting Executive Function, Workspace Design, Capacity Planning, Values-Based Pricing, Authentic Marketing, and Healthy Communication.

Plus you get lifetime access to recordings, human-edited transcripts, templates, spreadsheets, and behind-the-scenes access to my actual business systems—so that you can see what this looks like in a real neurodivergent-run business. And there’s a way to ask questions asynchronously if the live meeting times don’t work for you.

And if you want extra support, I’m offering an optional, eight month long incubator, where you can bring your actual business questions and get answers. It’s the “yeah, sounds good, but what about my situation?” part.

Building your business

The post How to Build a Burnout-Resistant Business as a self-employed Autistic/AuDHD appeared first on Autism Chrysalis.

How do you make friends?

Living on the autism spectrum can be wonderful. And a challenge. While we are all unique, one thing that describes almost all of us is that we usually have a harder time making friends then the neuromajority.

That doesn’t mean we don’t want friends. In fact, the number one question I get asked by other autistics is how to make friends.

Although it takes more work for us, we are certainly able to master this magic, and when we do, other people are lucky to have us as friends.

So here’s my plan to making friends when you’re on the autism spectrum, in 10 (not at all easy) steps:

1. Notice where your social anxieties are coming from.

But those incidents weren’t your fault, and they don’t mean that you are broken, or wrong, or deficient. They are indications of other people’s fears and insecurities. Believing that won’t make your anxieties evaporate, but it is a start to healing.

2. Make friends with yourself.

When we are anxious around other people, they may pick up on that and become anxious around us. We end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy in which we expect to be rejected, and therefore we are.

This is the hardest step, but the most critical. It starts with digging deep inside yourself and letting out all of the anger and hurt from the past, and finding a way to forgive or feel compassion toward yourself and others for what happened.

That frees up an amazing amount of energy and opens new possibilities for liking, and even loving, who you are. When you genuinely love yourself, it shows. People like being around people who like themselves. Even when those people are different.

3. Acknowledge that you’re going to have to do something differently if you want a different result.

What you did before to make friends probably wasn’t a winning method, or you wouldn’t be reading this now. So just repeating that isn’t going to work. But if you actually go through steps one and two, you’ll be ready to try different tactics.

4. Before going into a social situation, set yourself up for success, physically and sensory-wise and in every other way.

Doing those first three steps, the hardest, doesn’t mean that the rest of these are going to be simple. So plan in advance how to make your new forays into the social world a better experience.

What time of day or week are you at your best? Get some good sleep and take care of yourself before going out. Would it help to bring something that calms your sensory sensitivities? Plan your outing well.

5. Go where you are likely to find people who like the same things that you do.

Going to a bar to pick up girls means you will meet girls who like going to bars. If that’s what you want, great. If you want girls who will talk to you about astronomy, try a star party instead. If you want a friend who is into Renaissance reenactments, or anime, or speaking Swedish, find groups — in person or online — where those things happen.

6. Get curious about others. Assume everyone has something fascinating about them, and that your job is to find that. But don’t come on too strong.

When you meet people, ask about them, but be careful not to rattle off a list of questions like you’re interviewing them.

Talk about your common interests, occasionally ask about them, and occasionally intersperse some information about yourself. A mixture of the three is good, but the best way is for a lot of that information to unfold naturally in conversation over time.

7. Build relationships slowly. Build trust slowly.

You don’t need to find out everything about your potential friend(s) the first time you meet. If you’re going to a recurring group, you’ll have opportunities to get to know them more in the future. If it’s a one-time event, you could exchange contact information as a way to keep in touch and get to know them over time.

If the other person doesn’t want to exchange contact info, and you’re not going to see them again, that’s not a failure. Consider it a trial run for the next time. And remember, sometimes you can have a good time with someone for one day and that’s the entire extent of the relationship.

8. Invest in others if you want them to invest in you.

All relationships take time and effort. When you don’t engage with people, relationships wither. This means keeping in touch once in a while. Talking about things besides your common interests. Asking about their family or things that are going on in their lives that they mention. Recognize upfront this is going to take some work, but you don’t have to do all of it right away.

9. When things go awry, learn to repair the relationship.

A misunderstanding, disagreement, or hurt feelings don’t have to be the end of a relationship. Apologizing is the best way to repair a relationship. Even if it isn’t all your fault, you can apologize for the part of it that is your fault. Even if it’s just one percent. That can go a long way towards helping others apologize for their part, repairing the relationship, and moving on.

10. Adjust as necessary.

The post The Autistic 10-Step Plan for Making Friends appeared first on Autism Chrysalis.